The ArchiFord's Commandments

The ArchiFord's Commandments

After much deliberation I decided to switch my focus of the ArchiFord from the infamous topic of Shoning to other pertinent topics. Please enjoy, and give me your feedback.

1. Thou shalt not lie. I had to bring this commandment in because people feel the need to lie about every thing. You ask them a question and they just lie right between their teeth. You ask them "is it snowing outside" and they reply "Uh Yeah"; knowing darn well we live in Florida and it don't snow. People pleas be real, and stop lying. When you tell one lie, you have to tell another lie to cover up the lie you just told. Its just too confusing so just be honest.
   
2. Thou shalt not be a peasant. So you may ask what a peasant is. A peasant is a human being worthy of little to no human rights. Being a peasant is not a good thing. If you are a peasant then you are viewed as being of lesser value. I know in most cases you cannot change the hands you are dealt, but strive to be as non-peasantlike as possible.
3. Thou shalt not iGoon. I have said this over and over again but I guess my point has not been made clear. iGooning is not cool! If you can be big and bad hiding behind your computer screen then you can be big and bad in the presence of another. People stop writing in people honesty boxes with these crazy comments. Be a wo(man) about yours and stop concealing your identity. Do you have low self esteem or something? Are you hiding something yourself? Did you ride a little bitty bus to school? These are all questions that should be addressed the next time you consider iGooning.
   
4. Thou shalt not encounter flying cockroaches. Flying roaches are indeed UNCONSTITUTIONAL. These creatures should not exist and if you encounter these critters in life then I advise you all to take action against them. Beware because they do fly and will try yo attack, but they are just as scared of you as you are of them. Show these roaches who is bOSS!
5. Thou shalt not wear tight clothing. Ok, so I am tired of witnessing big girls wearing tight clothing. I mean I am happy that you all are comfortable in your own skin that you can wear what you want, but its not cute. Now I have nothing against big girls, I am all for girls looking nice. But what I am against is the yeast that is baking in the crevices of the tight clothing. This must stop immediately. I know I have a saying that says if you like it I love, but that doesnt apply for this.
6. Thou shalt not wear urban wear. Well, well, well where do I start on this topic. I guess I will start by discussing which brands you shouldn't wear: Baby Phat, Apple Bottom, Ecko, Pepe Jeans, South Pole... Umm these are the only ones that come to mind as of now, but im sure there are more. So people these days do not really wear urban wear anymore, I feel like this trend left us all in high School. I think that it is unconstitutional to wear baby phat at a Homecoming Ball [but thats just my opinion]. I definitely shouldnt see an individual wearing black tights, a gold bp skort, and a gold bp shirt [tHIS PERSON KNOWS WHO SHE IS!]. This is unconstitutional and kind of ethnic.
7. Thou shalt not have ugly hair-dos. Ok I heavily dislike seeing girls with messed up wraps and/or hairstyles. I understand that your hair is a delicacy that takes a lot of time to manage, however, it is not that hard to groom yourself before stepping foot out the door. I think that should be on your to do list when you wake up: Brush teeth, take shower, DO HAIR! And if you do not like managing your on hair than throw some weave in it, but dont just literally throw the weave in. I, as a male, should not be able to look at you and find every track in your head like connect the dots. DO better girls!! make sure there are not tracks showing and we will be ok. And if your hair is a mess dont judge others. Please and thank you!
8. Thou shalt not P-pop on a handstand. There isnt much that needs to be said about this. This commandment is pretty self explanatory. Just because you are flexible and have some rhythm does not mean it is okay to P-pop on a handstand in front of thousands of people. That is just unconstitutional, trashy, and classless.
   
9. Thou shalt not be a critic with no credibility. This is a very important one for me. I love how people who have no credibilty themselves are the 1st ones to talk about someone else. Practice what you preach. Your life is a mess and you want to talk about someone else. LMAO! Get it together! This goes back to my statement about bad hair. Do not be the person talking about another girls hair when your hair looks like a cat's nest.
   
10. Thou shalt not SHONE. OMG!!! You all know that I couldn't go the entire entry without mentioning SHONES! Shones are unconstitutional and inhumane. I have said enough about them so that is ALL!!!

If you all have any more commandments then feel free to comment and post them... Stay tuned for more entries to come!


**************New Amendments*************

11. Thou shall not smell early in the morning. It is unconstitutional for human beings to smell when they get on the bus at 9am. The day has just started and there are no excuses for your odor. If you have this problem feel free to bathe more than twice a day, and carry some deodorant with you at ALL times. We do not want to smell you or sit by you. Please and thank you!
12. Thou shall not wear open toe shoes with crusty toes. I know the world is with me when I say that I dont not like looking at crusty toes. Apply lotion daily and if you can get a pedicure. If you must waer open toes shoes, you need to ensure your toes look right. If our toes look a mess then wear boots for ever!!
13. Thou shall not be a GOON. I know you all are probably wondering what I mean bu be a goon. But what I mean is that you should not have to act like a goon 24/7. We all know you came from the projects, however UF is not the projects so we do not want to witness this coonery on a daily. Get it together and act civilized at some point! geez!!
14. Thou shall not Do THA MOST ALL THE TIME! There are some people that are just EXTRA for no reason. They feel the need to boast and gloat and walk around campus like they are the ish and know all. Please stop it! We all know that you are not cool! And the ones that are extra tend to not have any real friends, so stop being extra and maybe you will be liked.

SSU

SSU???

I'm sure you all may be wondering what in the world could this SSU be? I mean I am sure you have heard of BSU, ASU, and maybe even JSU, but never SSU. Well after a very informative BSU real talk session I came to the conclusion that another student union needs to be created. If you all are not aware students can create student organizations on campus. With this being said, we as concerned citizens and students of UF need to ban together to create one more organization. THIS ORGANIZATION IS NONE OTHER THAN THE SSU.

Now you wonder what the SSU stands for?

Well I am sure you all guessed it correctly. It is the Shone Student Union. Shones are a population at the University of Florida that is beginning to flourish. Their numbers are increasing and I think it would be great to get them an organization that they can call home.

Now you may wonder why or what purpose this org will serve for the community. However, you know me, I always have my reasons for things.

1. Foundation- This organization will provide a foundation and safe zone for shones/slores/whores or whatever other term you would like to use to describe them. Shones are known to break up happy homes, and therefore do not have any place for themselves, therefore this organization would be their temporary home.
2. Networking- we are all in college and know how important it is to networking. This org will enable shones to meet other big named shones on the campus, compare list, discuss shoning tactics, and execute new plans of action.
   
3. Competitions- The shones could enter in to contest to determine who is the biggest shone, or how many people I can shone with in one night, or how many friends can I shone with, or things like that.
4. Public Speaking- The organizations will also work on developing members speaking skills. If you all do not know shones are HABITUAL liars.. They lie about everything from their name to how old they are. this org will enable them to practice their lies for an audience to see if they sound valid.

Ok so now we see the purpose of SSU, but now we need officers. Below you will find descriptions on the officers:

• President: This is the HSIC (Head Shone In Charge); the requirements of this position include: shoning with friends, shoning with individuals twice your age, shoning to get positions in life.
• Vice President: This person is the next biggest shone in the organization. They have also shones with numerous individuals and do not care about who is affects.
  
• Treasurer: This individual must be a person who is a part time shone/part time prostitute. This person prostitutes to obtain funds for the organization. At times this hone gives it up for free, and other times this shone charges. Serves as the entrepreneur of the group.
  
• Secretary: This shone does all the dirty work. They are similar to Monica Lewinski with their ability to do all the deeds many people do not want to do. This person is willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done.
• PR Director: This is the shone recruiter of the group. There job is to actively recruit other shones who may be in denial or may be undercover.

Okay so we have the details of the org now, so it is time to get this org on the roll. The org will meet on Sundays (the Lords Day because they need to be sanctified with some Holy Oil.). The meetings will also occur on The SET (scaffolds will be set up so Shones can also stand proudly with their scarlet letters).

***I NEED ALL OF YOUR HELP TO GET THIS ORGANIZATION STARTED. I NEED YOU ALL TO RECOMMEND INDIVIDUALS WHO YOU DEEM WORTHY ENOUGH TO JOIN THIS ORGANIZATION. ANY LEVEL OF SHONERY IS WELCOMED. PLEASE RECRUIT. ALSO SUBMIT NAMES OR NOMINATE YOURSELVES FOR AN E-BOARD POSITION IS YOU FEEL THAT YOU CAN UPHOLD THE RESPONSIBILITIES.***

Thanks everyone and I look forward to getting all of these names of SHONES.

Are You smarter than a Prostitute?

Well, I know you all took the poll and voted to read "Ice Cream Paint job" as the next entry, but I wanted more time to prepare my thoughts. So I decided to write this one. Now I'm sure you all are wondering from the title, "Everyone is smarter than prostitutes, DUH!!!" However this is NOT TRUE!!! There are people on this planet called Earth that are NOT smarter than a Prostitute....

DO YOU ALL WANT TO GUESS WHO THESE PEOPLE COULD BE???

Well, these people are none other than our well known, been around the block, inhumane SHONES! Yes, I said it shones are not smarter than Prostitutes. I know you are thinking like Dang how could a Prostitute be smarter than a shone, but no worries because I will be sure to inform you. Because you know the ArchiFord serves to entertain, yet EDUCATE society on some of the atrocities that exist such as shones.

(***DISCLAIMER: IT HAS ALSO BEEN BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION THAT PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SPECULATING AS TO WHAT MY OBSESSION IS WITH SHONES! I DO NOT, I REPEAT, I DO NOT HAVE AN OBSESSION WITH SHONES! HOWEVER, SHONES ARE TRYING TO TAKE OVER OUR CAMPUS.. I HAVE ENCOUNTERED NUMEROUS SHONES ON THIS CAMPUS WHO HAVE MANIPULATED THEIR WAYS IN, WITHOUT ANYONE KNOWING.. ITS TIME TO TAKE ACTION AND PUT THESE SHONES IN THE PLACES THEY BELONG! ***)

Ok now that that is over we can get back to our discussion of shones and prostitutes.

SHONES V. PROSTITUTES:

• BOTH ARE VERY PROMISCUOUS: OF COURSE WE ARE ALL AWARE HOW PROMISCUOUS AND SEXUAL BOTH OF THESE TYPES OF INDIVIDUALS CAN BE.
• SHONES ARE OPPORTUNIST: THEY DO WHAT THEY HAVE TO DO TO GET WHAT THEY WANT. THEY DO NOT CARE WHO THEY HAVE TO USE, ABUSE, OR MANIPULATE TO GET WHAT THEY WANT. THEY ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR WAYS TO ADVANCE.
  
• PROSTITUTES ARE ENTREPRENEURS: PROSTITUTES ARE ALL ABOUT MARKETING THEIR PRODUCT AND GETTING THE HIGHEST BIDDER. THESE INDIVIDUALS ARE BUSINESS PEOPLE. THEY ARE ALWAYS THINKING IN TERMS OF THEIR ASSETS AND ACQUIRING MORE.
• THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE & THE BIGGEST FACTOR THAT ENABLES SHONES TO BE VIEWED AS DUMB WHEN COMPARED TO PROSTITUTES... IS THE FACT THAT PROSTITUTES GET PAID FOR WHAT THEY DO. Shones give up the goods for FREE! I mean you could say they may be getting attention or food or maybe even positions but prostitutes are making $$$$$$. Prostitutes may be a lot of things but at least they get paid for the dirty work they do. They are all about their money and no one messes with their money!

Shones, who are already viewed as low and inhumane creatures on this Earth, should strive to be more like prostitutes. Instead of actually giving it up to every person you have ever encountered on this campus, you should go on the corner of Gale Lemerand & Museum around Midnight and sell your services. At least get paid for ALL the dirty work you have been doing for 19 years of your life for free. But remember to make the money and to not let the money make you!

The Scarlet Letter

The Scarlet Letter- 'S'

The entry will not only be informative about our reason epidemic "The Shone," but it will also be educational. Okay so I am not sure if you all are familiar with the story "The Scarlet Letter" by Nathaniel Hawthorne, but this is what the basis for this entry. I don't know about you all, but in high school I was forced to read this book, and I wasn't rather interested in this story. However, I have a new appreciation for this story and what it stands for. Okay so here is a brief summary:

It tells the story of Hester Prynne, who gives birth after committing adultery and struggles to create a new life of repentance and dignity. Throughout the novel, Hawthorne explores themes of sin and guilt. In the novel, Hester is led from the town prison with her infant daughter in her arms and on the breast of her gown "a rag of scarlet cloth" that "assumed the shape of a letter." It was the uppercase letter "A". The Scarlet Letter "A" represents the act of adultery that she has committed and it is to be a symbol of her sin—a badge of shame—for all to see.

Okay so now you are wondering, how does this tie to anything? Or maybe you have already figured out the correlation I am making?

Well after thinking about this whole shone thing, I realized that shones get off too easy by merely referring to as shones. The reasons I feel this way is as follows:

1. The term shone has such a positive connotation to it. Shone is a nice word. More harsher terms should be used to refer to people of this caliber.
2. Shones have no shame in their reputations. Shones are almost inhumane. They accept there fate and just live there lives as habitual liars and shones.

So I was thinking that we as concerned citizens should take strides to help these shones face their problems and concerns. One way in which we can accomplish this task is by forcing shones to admit to their identity of Habitual, poor character having shones. I feel that we need to coerce shones to stand on scaffolds on the Set with Scarlet Letters. Hester Prynne was forced to do the same back in the day, and I feel that this would solve numerous problems for the community. Shones would be forced to wear the Scarlet Letter of 'S' while standing on a pedestal on The Set.

This action would be taking a proactive stance against Shonery. This event would serve numerous purposes:

• Identification: Like the easy button, this scarlet letter will enable individuals to easily identify who is a shone, so other people can run away from them.
• Embarrassment: This action could also cause some shones (not all) to feel remorse, regret and embarrassment for their unconstitutional actions. Public humiliation will be evident.
  
• Reunion: Individuals who have all encountered these shones at some point in their lives would be invited to this event. This would enable networking and reflections to occur about these disgusting shones.
• Payback: Individuals who have been hurt, offended, or misled by these shones will have the opportunity to come to The Set and throw rocks, stones, holy water, or whatever else they deem necessary (I would encourage holy water because these people need Jesus!).
  

So concerned citizens, please join me in my efforts to end this epidemic. We all must do our part to end this mess. Believe me! We all know a shone or two, and its our duty to seek help for them. You never know, the person you ride in the car with could be a shone!

That was EASY!!!!

I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with the "easy button." These easy buttons can be purchased at a local Staples store or on staples.com. The purpose of the buttons is to identify something as being easy and not very difficult.

Now that you all know some brief background on this product, I will now show you the correlation between this product and shoning. As we all know shoning is an epidemic, that is surrounding us all. We can not be naive about this condition because people are shoning all around. We also know that Shone/Swine Flu is also taking over the world. So if you know that someone is in fact a SHONE, then stay far, far, far away from them because you WILL get "the SWINE!"

Ok so now that I have updated you all on all of the old news we can now discuss the easy button. Shones these days need to be mandated by law to carry an easy button with them at all times! It is UNCONSTITUTIONAL for these inhumane individuals to walk around and mislead innocent people. The easy buttons would serve numerous purposes:

• Networking- Shones with these buttons can network and discuss individuals who they have encountered on their journey to Shonedom.
  
• Identification- Innocent individuals will be able to easily identify those people who are shones and should not be messed with.
  
• Acknowledgment- Individuals with these buttons are acknowledging the fact that they are easy individuals, who will give it up to any one.

So if any of you know any shones, please feel free to provide them with an easy button, because that is just what they are, EASY!!! Whenever you encounter a shone, all you have to do is go push the button and it will respond with "That was easy!" Feel free to call the police if you feel that there are shones attempting to perpetrate and deny their shonery. Remember the first step is Denial, so they will deny being a shone. However, actions speak louder than words. Also, remember you cannot turn a ho (shone) into a housewife. So if you find a shone, run the other way, but only after you press their easy button.

SWINE- SHONE FLU???

IS IT SWINE FLU OR SHONE FLU?

As you all are aware the newest epidemic that has been spreading lately is Swine Flu. There have been outbreaks all over the world with this condition. The University of Florida has even projected that almost half of the school could get infected. This is crazy! After much deliberation, thought, and research I have concluded that Swine Flu is related with Shonery.

Now I know you are asking "How can this disease from a pig be related with Shoning?"

And no I'm not saying the pigs are shoning!

What I am saying is that the numerous outbreaks of Swine flu are associated with Shoning.

SO I KNOW YOU ASK, WELL HOW IS THAT TRUE?

Well my people, as we all know Shones are quite promiscuous people who tend to frolic or shall I say mess/fool/ kick it with A LOT of different people for different reasons. Shones are also known to give up the goods whenever necessary to whoever is available. With these transactions come the spreading of germs and diseases like Swine flu.

Example of the Contamination: One shone gets swine flu and sleeps with Person A thru Y (The shone doesn't like Z's). Person A thru Y gets infected with Swine Flu all because of ONE SHONE!!!

This doesn't make since, SHONES CANNOT BE IN CONTROL OF THIS EPIDEMIC! If shones would stop shoning, accept the fact that they are a shone, and receive proper help for their condition, then the WORLD would be a better place.

SO here are some last minute words of advice:
1. KEEP YOUR HAND SANITIZER READY!
2. DO NOT BE IN CLOSED ROOMS WITH SHONES (THEY MAY HAVE SWINE FLU!)
3. MOST IMPORTANTLY, DO NOT MESS WITH A SHONE, THEY WILL INFECT YOU!!!

Are you a Coupon Hoe?

As you all may know, at the beginning of each semester you can be sure to find people on The Set passing out Gator Greenbacks. Gator Greenbacks are coupon books that provide students with all sort of coupons and discounts. You can get discounts on restaurants, grocery stores, and any other stores in the Gainesville. With the beginning of the semester also comes other forms of coupons. This form is called "Coupon Hoes!"

Coupon Hoe-

n. A male or female who is worth less value than a normal human being. These individuals could be considered someone who is a failure at life, or someone who is fast and easy. A coupon hoe is also a person that can be obtained at a low or discounted cost. These individuals do not have standards for themselves and will give it up for free or for discounts. They can be picked up at any location, and at anytime. Sometimes there are specials and a coupon hoe can be obtained at a BOGO Price (BOGO- Buy one get one free). Coupon hoes also exhibit shoning tendencies. They are free spirited, and like to explore their options.

Girl A to B: "Wat up gruh! You seen that girl at the Venue Club last night. She think since she wear gold that she worth something."

Girl B to A:"She aint worth nothing. She is of a lesser value. She aint nothing but a coupon hoe."